New Year, let's be friends?

Starting the new year off right by successfully dumping all the left over holiday treats into the trash where they belong!

UGHGHGHGHHHHHGhuuuuuuuhgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh.....no more food! I am feeling crazy mode coming on, where I toss every naughty little treat in to the trash, husband better hide it if he wants it.

Been doing some family history work. Its elating, but also terrifying. Most of my relatives on both sides died fairly young. Including grandparents, a generation who had the modern medical system.... What does this say. IF YOU KEEP ON YOUR CURRENT LAZY CYCLE YOU WILL DIE YOUNG TOO! ITS IN YOUR DNA. Don't do that to the people you love. Next time you want to put that piece of chocolate in your mouth, picture the face of someone you fiercely love, and think I love you enough to not eat this, and walk away.... You clearly don't love yourself enough yet to do it for yourself, but do it for those who will be racked with anguish when they put you in the ground to soon.

Bronchitis to the point of being prescribed and inhaler along with my antibiotics.... gooogamooga.

Feeling so volatile today!!! Don't talk to me cause I might just bite your head off for no reason! or kick you in the shin just to see you cry, or whatev you get the point.... I think the deep root of it is I'm so flipping disgusted with myself that I feel a compulsion to take it out on everyone else.
My poor baby has heard his fair share of no, NO, NOOOOOOOOO this morning... time to take out the rubber gloves and take my aggression out on the bathroom. Scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub till your hands chap and bleed, that will give you something constructive to do. Heal your bloody hands. I can do that.
thanks for the vent. See you same time tomorrow? With the same never ending problem? Sheesh keyboard your such a wonderful therapist.

My adjective for the day: Svelte.

1. slender, especially gracefully slender in figure; lithe.

I will use this word to be positive about myself, it describes me.

But I often feel like this svelte person is zipped inside a fat suit and the zipper is stuck....

TWO WORDS... SWISS CHOCOLATE. I have seriously eaten 5 pieces while I have been at work today. Work is always a toughy because I seldom pack food with me and get so faintinly hungry that I end up eating what ever is on the break table... Yeah that nasty cake that has been sitting there for over 2 weeks. When you are desperate, ughhhh I make myself sick.

Thanksgiving you have come and gone and I feel I didn't get too glutenous. The weather has been awesome and I should go for a jog... make the voices that say " clean your house, plan dinner, catch up on work" etc shut up for 30min and just do it. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. You know vigorously raking the leaves isn't enough for your body. Your body likes to burn, like fires of Hell burn to shed its protective fat layer..... ok, ok, ok.... Let me get that last load of laundry in and then I'll hit the leafy trails.

@#$* wagon why can you just hold still so I can get on and stay on. Why are you always pushing the weak and chubby off the back?
SO ... you know its bad when you have to shift your stomach fat to get a good back stretch in. Or you have to powder under your fat skirt so you won't sweat under there all day.... ugh super nasty.
And the sick this is I know I can change this. I have done it before and know I can do it again. But my inner fatty is so comfortable doing everything else but taking care of herself.
I'm freaking out about the holidays being here. If I got this fat during the normal parts of the year what are all of the rich decadent desserts going to do to my 237 lb body. (ps lost 8lbs, but if you know a true Clark you know that is the average turd log)
GET YOURSELF TOGETHER WOMAN....time to bust out the tapes? again.

Getting back on the wagon included. Participating in the wood cutting extravaganza yesterday. Basically we get a ton of people in the ward and family to come over cut down trees haul logs and split them. We have like 5cords collected from yesterday. I manned the log splitting machine while Natey-pie napped.
How is this exercise you ask? .... have you ever actually done it yourself? log lifting is tough, continuous running wagons full of split logs tireing, at the end of they day all you want to do is hit the sack and sleep... Pics later

Fell off the wagon...The decline started with my procedure, then "taking time to recoup" meant giving myself the ok to loaf around. I felt better started exercising again, then I caught the first cold of the season. Feeling crappy isn't a huge motivator, but manageable, then it snowed before Halloween. Trudging through the snow with a cold doesn't = fun......

I could keep listing all of the excuses I make myself feel better with all day long, but the truth underneath is that this battle is hard to fight on your own. Ipod only provides so much companionship...an exercise buddy would be so much more fun. Maybe I'll get a dog.

Bob Harper suggested starting this life transformation with walking everyday for 4 weeks. Its free, warms up your muscles, and clears you mind. I made it a week, time to try again.

So I healed up from the procedure, and was watching The Biggest Loser, and was all inspired by Bob Harper and thought "man if he were my trainer I could do this in a snap". So I went to the library and got his motivational CD / inner compass program, and his beginners workout DVD. The next day, I take invigorating hike to warm up the muscles, then I pop in the DVD thinking "yeah, this will be great to start with a beginners workout". IT WAS PURE INSANITY. I was soaked with sweat and for 3 day afterward felt like I was 85 and has sprained hamstrings, and that's after doing everything right. Stretching, staying within my range of motion, and cooling down, etc.... it kinda discouraged me, and truth, I haven't worked out since. Of course in my justifications I say " oh its ok you need time to recuperate after that crazy workout" but what I really need is to get off my butt and get moving again.......This journey is such an emoitonal roller coaser and often I find the ride is giving me whiplash.

Figured some stuff out... haven't exercised for over a week now because of medical issues, and on thursday I had my uterus roto-rootered to remove some endometrial polyps. Apparently they are a pretty common occurance, but they were causing some really heavy bleeding. Having the procedue wasn't as bad as my imagination was making it seem. All in all, feeling pretty well but the doc said to take it easy for a few days. My version of easy was making a full size spiders web out of yarn for Halloween. Raking the grandparents portch off for them, and making a milk jug skeleton. My version of taking it easy meant getting crafty and forgetting all the stress inducing housework... However I think all that energy was because of the drugs. I woke up last night with some serious crampage and backache...guess I will really have to take it easy and do as the doc says.

Sometimes you just need to let out an angry guttural scream! The kind that rocks your soul and makes you feel like doing something stupid, like punch a tree.

Leach out this poison of self hatred
Help me to not want to make them suffer like I am
How can something so insignificant grate me so deep
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRGHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRG
AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and then the guilt and self-loathing cycle starts again.

Lift your head up girl, get on your knees, start again, stretch your limits a little farther.

UGhhhh the drastic change in temperature has given me a cold or brought on some heinous allergies, they pretty much feel the same so who knows. Needless to say finding the drive to get up and exercise all congested like I am, was not easy; But I did it.
I find when I'm having those days going in to mindless drone mode helps to get the job done. Flop out of bed, put on exercise clothes, stop thinking of all the reason why not, open the door, and just walk. Randomly just walk with no direction. Eventually the heart rate will come up your mind will clear and you will realise how good it feels to just be moving. The aches and pains of sleep will start to melt and you will be ready for the day.
I took an uphill walk, totally panting from the speed-walking up the hill. At the top some deer spotted me and went bounding through the woods. I love all the critters I get to see everyday. I found my favorite stump at the top of the hill and used it as a stretching aid. Once I completed this little warm up I jogged back down and popped in a tape. (I wasn't sure when baby was going to wake up and didn't want to be too far away when he did. He ended up pulling one of his hit and miss sleep in till 11am days so I got a pretty good workout in.)

just remembered my experience this afternoon...today I exercised with a tank top on for the first time in years, like 5 or more years. Usually I don the typical huge cotton tee and old cut off sweats and trudge through the workout and end up feeling as huge and wet as that cruddy t shirt. Today though, I freed myself. I put on some tight neoprene shorts and a tank and reconnected with my body. It sounds totally ridiculous but it was so liberating. I felt so aware of myself and powerful. It was invigorating feeling the breeze on my skin and seeing my barely there muscles working. The body truly is an amazing machine...perhaps there will be more spandex and workout gear in my future.

Doing much better! I was able to get a short jog and a tape in so far today. In addition to cleaning part of the house, feeding son and I, and playing in the dirt with baby... I'm feeling productive today.
This morning I had the today show on for a split second and there was an interview with Roger Ebert. He said something to the effect that " it does no good feeling bad for yourself. Feeling bad for yourself doesn't get anything accomplished". That really struck home. We have all heard the adage misery loves company, and that is exactly what feeling bad for yourself does. It makes you see everything in a negative light and want to pull everyone down with you. Feeling sorry for yourself is whats keeping you on that couch instead of up an moving, but you only have yourself to blame for getting in this fat mess in the first place..... GET UP AND MAKE A CHANGE. Every day is the perfect day to start, or start over.

Ughhhhh.... hit a wall and didn't do a thing except eat some almond butter chocolate chunk cookies and feel guilty for three days. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? I think a lot of it stems from not feeling in balance yet. I struggle with finding time to keep my house in order and take care of my son, find time to exercise, and make time to study the scriptures too. When I get two of the three done I always feel guilt for not accomplishing the third. Thats what happened..... that is what threw me off for three days. Last night I had a major ugly cry feast with my husband and we made goals to try and help get in better balance. It was too much, feeling like I was holding the weight of the world. I had to ask for help which, if you know me, is asking a lot.

I found some inspiration to get it back together. In the august 2011 Ensign. The Article is called The Traditions of a Balanced, Righteous Life. by Elder L. Tom Perry. The section that gave my my light bulb of inspiration was called Our body is a Temple. "Good physical and spiritual health can help us to stay on the straight and narrow way...we need to nourish ourselves spiritually, even more than physically." Now don't take this wrong, this is not suggesting that scripture study should replace physical exercise. This quote answered my guilt issues with my balancing act. I need to put my scripture study first, then exercise, then worry about everything else. If I put the Lord first I know hat everything else will fall into place.

This Epic Battle isn't easy and is going to require a lot of diligence, but I'm getting back up, dusting myself off, and starting again, and, again, and again, and again... you get the point. Don't give up and stop, just keep moving forward.

A lot of what I have been reading says that it takes at least 3weeks to form a new habit. So that means I have to grit my teeth and just do it. It has been pouring 60 degree rain for three days now. Like serious seattle washington stuff. It's dismal, but if I don't get out there and do it I know it will be all to easy to get lazy again. So I did it! I went out and jogged through the rain in the woods. It was sort of exhilarating. I sort of fantasized I was a twilight vampire with super human speed and grace. Hahha totally nerdy, but making little games like that makes the workout more fun for me. Sheesh I really need more grown up/ human contact. The isolation is making me so crazy that I am fantasizing I'm a tween romance vampire.... shhh don't tell anyone.

It would have been so easy to not get in my jog this morning. I woke up feeling like a lead weight. Legs heavy, muscles aching, and zer0 motivation. But somehow I scraped myself out of bed put on those exercise clothes and did it. Granted, it wasn't at long as I should have but I still got a good sweat on. So good for me.
I started my pregnancy last year at 230lbs; my high school weight that I swore to myself that I would never reach again. On the day that my son was born I hit an ridiculous 270lbs. After birth, 30lbs melted off within a few months. But now I have this lingering 10-15 lbs that I can't seem to rid myself of. Its time to get real with some numbers, yes the dreaded scale. I weighed myself:
5'11"
245lbs
BMI 34.2
uhhh... what do you even say after that. I weigh as much or more than contestants on the biggest loser! I am obese.