You caught me on a bad day. I have eaten two cupcakes before 11am today. So, you get the blunt truth, mixed with a little self loathing. I am overweight. No, lets be honest, I have an eating problem. I am fat, ashamed, scared, and tired among a list of a thousand other things I could say because of this obsession. I am the type that will eat that damn cupcake and hide the wrapper at the bottom of the trash can so no one will find out. I can blame it on being taught horrible eating habits, or seeing my mother use food as a pacifier for her struggles, or I like the social atmosphere that food creates etc. The truth of the matter is that I can control it, but I choose not to. When I eat the bad stuff I tell myself "why are you putting that poison in your mouth" and eat it anyways. Or I'll envision the creamy stuff as arterial plaque and with each bite a little more blocks my carotid passages. I got a box of chocolates for my birthday. I took a bite out of each one making myself sick. That was only the first layer, with the second I threw the box away . My way of telling the chocolate that I have power over it. I often take a bit of the bad stuff just to spit it out and throw it away . Its a sick game I play... this can't be normal.
I am the heaviest that I have ever been. I did give birth to a little miracle five months ago and have some of that to lose, but I hate what I see in pictures. When I look in the mirror I don't see the fatty. I see me, and feel pretty, but the pictures give it away. You could say good for you for having confidence even when you are heavy, but not seeing the truth is dangerous. Its dangerous because you don't realize just how out of hand the problem has gotten.
Both of my parents are now incapacitated because f strokes. My father was the first, just a few months after I got married in 2008. He too had struggled with his weight for a long time. He has had a heart attack, has an enlarged heart because of the extra strain, high blood pressure, diabetes, on too many medications, and he is only in his 60's. Too young for such a devastation to happen. My father is still alive, but there are times that I mourn the loss of him. You see, he is sort of trapped within himself. He can't do everything that he use to. He needs help with hygienic matters, medications, dressing, and he can't speak very well and the effort frustrates him. I should be happy that he is still here, but every time I talk to him or see him my heart breaks. My father and I were close and I miss who he use to be.
Then, the day after I brought my little son home, in mid 2010, I got a call that my little sister found my mother face down in the gravel in their front yard and that the doctors were running tests to see what the matter was. They found she suffered a stroke as well, but there was signs of previous mini strokes that had caused some damage. They found she had an enlarged heart, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. She had also been neglecting the care of herself and my dad for well over a year. Meaning, she stopped buying the medications he needed to stay alive, and quite taking hers. Everyone blamed it on the previous strokes she had, that they somehow damaged her judgment, I'd like to believe that, but I also heard her sob when my Dad had his stroke not because her husband was sick but because she wished it was her and that she wished she could die.She told me that herself... My Mom has been trying to kill herself with food for a long time. All of the problems that have happened to my parents should scare me straight, should make me never touch the bad stuff ever again, run, lift weights, and get in shape, but finding the motivation is hard. I feel very isolated here. Especially during the winter when it is to cold to go outside. I don't really have any friends that I can call and exercise with. There is much more to this sick tale, but I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm expressing myself, getting it out there so that I can make a change.
I'm going to do it! For my little son so that I can be there through out his life, and teach him healthy habits. For my husband, so I can love him and quit taking my self frustrations out on him. But most of all for myself so that I can feel at peace, put away the obsessive behaviors, and have a healthy relationship with food, family, and my body. This little blog will be my weight loss partner if you will. My place of accountability. You can follow my epic battle if you so wish, but its not going to be pretty and hopefully it will end in a triumph. Don't worry its not all going to be doom and gloom like today's post. You just caught me on a bad, snowy day.