Sometimes you just need to let out an angry guttural scream! The kind that rocks your soul and makes you feel like doing something stupid, like punch a tree.
Leach out this poison of self hatred
Help me to not want to make them suffer like I am
How can something so insignificant grate me so deep
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRGHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRG
AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and then the guilt and self-loathing cycle starts again.
Lift your head up girl, get on your knees, start again, stretch your limits a little farther.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
UGhhhh the drastic change in temperature has given me a cold or brought on some heinous allergies, they pretty much feel the same so who knows. Needless to say finding the drive to get up and exercise all congested like I am, was not easy; But I did it.
I find when I'm having those days going in to mindless drone mode helps to get the job done. Flop out of bed, put on exercise clothes, stop thinking of all the reason why not, open the door, and just walk. Randomly just walk with no direction. Eventually the heart rate will come up your mind will clear and you will realise how good it feels to just be moving. The aches and pains of sleep will start to melt and you will be ready for the day.
I took an uphill walk, totally panting from the speed-walking up the hill. At the top some deer spotted me and went bounding through the woods. I love all the critters I get to see everyday. I found my favorite stump at the top of the hill and used it as a stretching aid. Once I completed this little warm up I jogged back down and popped in a tape. (I wasn't sure when baby was going to wake up and didn't want to be too far away when he did. He ended up pulling one of his hit and miss sleep in till 11am days so I got a pretty good workout in.)
I find when I'm having those days going in to mindless drone mode helps to get the job done. Flop out of bed, put on exercise clothes, stop thinking of all the reason why not, open the door, and just walk. Randomly just walk with no direction. Eventually the heart rate will come up your mind will clear and you will realise how good it feels to just be moving. The aches and pains of sleep will start to melt and you will be ready for the day.
I took an uphill walk, totally panting from the speed-walking up the hill. At the top some deer spotted me and went bounding through the woods. I love all the critters I get to see everyday. I found my favorite stump at the top of the hill and used it as a stretching aid. Once I completed this little warm up I jogged back down and popped in a tape. (I wasn't sure when baby was going to wake up and didn't want to be too far away when he did. He ended up pulling one of his hit and miss sleep in till 11am days so I got a pretty good workout in.)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
just remembered my experience this afternoon...today I exercised with a tank top on for the first time in years, like 5 or more years. Usually I don the typical huge cotton tee and old cut off sweats and trudge through the workout and end up feeling as huge and wet as that cruddy t shirt. Today though, I freed myself. I put on some tight neoprene shorts and a tank and reconnected with my body. It sounds totally ridiculous but it was so liberating. I felt so aware of myself and powerful. It was invigorating feeling the breeze on my skin and seeing my barely there muscles working. The body truly is an amazing machine...perhaps there will be more spandex and workout gear in my future.
Doing much better! I was able to get a short jog and a tape in so far today. In addition to cleaning part of the house, feeding son and I, and playing in the dirt with baby... I'm feeling productive today.
This morning I had the today show on for a split second and there was an interview with Roger Ebert. He said something to the effect that " it does no good feeling bad for yourself. Feeling bad for yourself doesn't get anything accomplished". That really struck home. We have all heard the adage misery loves company, and that is exactly what feeling bad for yourself does. It makes you see everything in a negative light and want to pull everyone down with you. Feeling sorry for yourself is whats keeping you on that couch instead of up an moving, but you only have yourself to blame for getting in this fat mess in the first place..... GET UP AND MAKE A CHANGE. Every day is the perfect day to start, or start over.
This morning I had the today show on for a split second and there was an interview with Roger Ebert. He said something to the effect that " it does no good feeling bad for yourself. Feeling bad for yourself doesn't get anything accomplished". That really struck home. We have all heard the adage misery loves company, and that is exactly what feeling bad for yourself does. It makes you see everything in a negative light and want to pull everyone down with you. Feeling sorry for yourself is whats keeping you on that couch instead of up an moving, but you only have yourself to blame for getting in this fat mess in the first place..... GET UP AND MAKE A CHANGE. Every day is the perfect day to start, or start over.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Ughhhhh.... hit a wall and didn't do a thing except eat some almond butter chocolate chunk cookies and feel guilty for three days. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? I think a lot of it stems from not feeling in balance yet. I struggle with finding time to keep my house in order and take care of my son, find time to exercise, and make time to study the scriptures too. When I get two of the three done I always feel guilt for not accomplishing the third. Thats what happened..... that is what threw me off for three days. Last night I had a major ugly cry feast with my husband and we made goals to try and help get in better balance. It was too much, feeling like I was holding the weight of the world. I had to ask for help which, if you know me, is asking a lot.
I found some inspiration to get it back together. In the august 2011 Ensign. The Article is called The Traditions of a Balanced, Righteous Life. by Elder L. Tom Perry. The section that gave my my light bulb of inspiration was called Our body is a Temple. "Good physical and spiritual health can help us to stay on the straight and narrow way...we need to nourish ourselves spiritually, even more than physically." Now don't take this wrong, this is not suggesting that scripture study should replace physical exercise. This quote answered my guilt issues with my balancing act. I need to put my scripture study first, then exercise, then worry about everything else. If I put the Lord first I know hat everything else will fall into place.
This Epic Battle isn't easy and is going to require a lot of diligence, but I'm getting back up, dusting myself off, and starting again, and, again, and again, and again... you get the point. Don't give up and stop, just keep moving forward.
I found some inspiration to get it back together. In the august 2011 Ensign. The Article is called The Traditions of a Balanced, Righteous Life. by Elder L. Tom Perry. The section that gave my my light bulb of inspiration was called Our body is a Temple. "Good physical and spiritual health can help us to stay on the straight and narrow way...we need to nourish ourselves spiritually, even more than physically." Now don't take this wrong, this is not suggesting that scripture study should replace physical exercise. This quote answered my guilt issues with my balancing act. I need to put my scripture study first, then exercise, then worry about everything else. If I put the Lord first I know hat everything else will fall into place.
This Epic Battle isn't easy and is going to require a lot of diligence, but I'm getting back up, dusting myself off, and starting again, and, again, and again, and again... you get the point. Don't give up and stop, just keep moving forward.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
A lot of what I have been reading says that it takes at least 3weeks to form a new habit. So that means I have to grit my teeth and just do it. It has been pouring 60 degree rain for three days now. Like serious seattle washington stuff. It's dismal, but if I don't get out there and do it I know it will be all to easy to get lazy again. So I did it! I went out and jogged through the rain in the woods. It was sort of exhilarating. I sort of fantasized I was a twilight vampire with super human speed and grace. Hahha totally nerdy, but making little games like that makes the workout more fun for me. Sheesh I really need more grown up/ human contact. The isolation is making me so crazy that I am fantasizing I'm a tween romance vampire.... shhh don't tell anyone.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
It would have been so easy to not get in my jog this morning. I woke up feeling like a lead weight. Legs heavy, muscles aching, and zer0 motivation. But somehow I scraped myself out of bed put on those exercise clothes and did it. Granted, it wasn't at long as I should have but I still got a good sweat on. So good for me.
I started my pregnancy last year at 230lbs; my high school weight that I swore to myself that I would never reach again. On the day that my son was born I hit an ridiculous 270lbs. After birth, 30lbs melted off within a few months. But now I have this lingering 10-15 lbs that I can't seem to rid myself of. Its time to get real with some numbers, yes the dreaded scale. I weighed myself:
5'11"
245lbs
BMI 34.2
uhhh... what do you even say after that. I weigh as much or more than contestants on the biggest loser! I am obese.
I started my pregnancy last year at 230lbs; my high school weight that I swore to myself that I would never reach again. On the day that my son was born I hit an ridiculous 270lbs. After birth, 30lbs melted off within a few months. But now I have this lingering 10-15 lbs that I can't seem to rid myself of. Its time to get real with some numbers, yes the dreaded scale. I weighed myself:
5'11"
245lbs
BMI 34.2
uhhh... what do you even say after that. I weigh as much or more than contestants on the biggest loser! I am obese.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Sheesh, the last post was in January. That just shows how much I have been letting too much of my life slip through my fingers. I'm 26 for crying out loud! In the prime of my life, and I need to get it together. I have finally started to care enough about myself to make some time for me. It was hard for me to stop feeling guilty about not taking care of everything else. I started by seeing my doctor to make sure I was "running" right. I had been experiencing a lot of hair loss and was nervous that it could be linked to family history of thyroid problems. Results came back good.
Glucose 90
Cholesterol 167
Triglycerides 80
HGL 51
LDL 100
I guess these number are good for a normal person,but given my family history, of all things bad dealing with heart and cholesterol they are border line. Going to the doctor took a little bit of the fear away. Its silly really, why should I be afraid of living the best life I can. Why should I think that my heart will explode if I go for a little jog, or fear my arteries couldn't with stand the strain. I am perfectly healthy, but even still the tough crosses my mind when I exercise sometimes. But I have learned that the body is incredibly resilient and really good at healing itself. I can do this!
Its only been two weeks that I have started exercising regularly. Its kicking my trash, but at the same time it has been invigorating. I can't jog very far, less than a mile, but it is a start. At first the jogging left me with a headache for the rest of the day even with adequate water consumption and eating regularly. I sucked it up and took some meds to dull the pain and exercised the next day. That's the critical part, just doing it. Not listening to the justifications or giving sway to the laziness. I have been making due with what I got. Meaning, I stopped telling myself that I would get in shape if I just had a treadmill or a weight bench. I started using that old dusty "infomercial" exercise equipment I've been hanging on to. Equipt with VHS workouts. (Thank heaven my husband is addicted to his tech devices old and new.) I have also been cross country hiking through our hill laden 14 acre woods often with my 22lb 1 year old strapped into his backpack. That is an excellent cardio and strength training exercise. I have been getting up a little earlier to pop in a tape or go jogging. I have been getting to know a lot of the back country roads near our home. I just hope there are no rapists or serial killer neighbors that I don't know about because I always go alone while baby is still sleeping.- With my phone strapped on in case of emergency. At first it was grueling and I felt like I had lead weights strapped to my feet. Now I can feel a little more energy, and I am sleeping better at night. Sure, I'm still kicking around a disgusting fat skirt, but I am trying and with time that will fade.
This journey isnt just about physically getting healthier. Its about learning to love myself. Making time to study my scripture so that my spirit is strengthened, making time to exercise to strengthen my body, and meditating through the process to find peace to my self torment. Its time to get everything back in balance. I am going to make a better effort to post more regularly to keep track of my motivators, workouts that work for me, and in general log my journey better.
Glucose 90
Cholesterol 167
Triglycerides 80
HGL 51
LDL 100
I guess these number are good for a normal person,but given my family history, of all things bad dealing with heart and cholesterol they are border line. Going to the doctor took a little bit of the fear away. Its silly really, why should I be afraid of living the best life I can. Why should I think that my heart will explode if I go for a little jog, or fear my arteries couldn't with stand the strain. I am perfectly healthy, but even still the tough crosses my mind when I exercise sometimes. But I have learned that the body is incredibly resilient and really good at healing itself. I can do this!
Its only been two weeks that I have started exercising regularly. Its kicking my trash, but at the same time it has been invigorating. I can't jog very far, less than a mile, but it is a start. At first the jogging left me with a headache for the rest of the day even with adequate water consumption and eating regularly. I sucked it up and took some meds to dull the pain and exercised the next day. That's the critical part, just doing it. Not listening to the justifications or giving sway to the laziness. I have been making due with what I got. Meaning, I stopped telling myself that I would get in shape if I just had a treadmill or a weight bench. I started using that old dusty "infomercial" exercise equipment I've been hanging on to. Equipt with VHS workouts. (Thank heaven my husband is addicted to his tech devices old and new.) I have also been cross country hiking through our hill laden 14 acre woods often with my 22lb 1 year old strapped into his backpack. That is an excellent cardio and strength training exercise. I have been getting up a little earlier to pop in a tape or go jogging. I have been getting to know a lot of the back country roads near our home. I just hope there are no rapists or serial killer neighbors that I don't know about because I always go alone while baby is still sleeping.- With my phone strapped on in case of emergency. At first it was grueling and I felt like I had lead weights strapped to my feet. Now I can feel a little more energy, and I am sleeping better at night. Sure, I'm still kicking around a disgusting fat skirt, but I am trying and with time that will fade.
This journey isnt just about physically getting healthier. Its about learning to love myself. Making time to study my scripture so that my spirit is strengthened, making time to exercise to strengthen my body, and meditating through the process to find peace to my self torment. Its time to get everything back in balance. I am going to make a better effort to post more regularly to keep track of my motivators, workouts that work for me, and in general log my journey better.
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