UGHGHGHGHHHHHGhuuuuuuuhgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh.....no more food! I am feeling crazy mode coming on, where I toss every naughty little treat in to the trash, husband better hide it if he wants it.

Been doing some family history work. Its elating, but also terrifying. Most of my relatives on both sides died fairly young. Including grandparents, a generation who had the modern medical system.... What does this say. IF YOU KEEP ON YOUR CURRENT LAZY CYCLE YOU WILL DIE YOUNG TOO! ITS IN YOUR DNA. Don't do that to the people you love. Next time you want to put that piece of chocolate in your mouth, picture the face of someone you fiercely love, and think I love you enough to not eat this, and walk away.... You clearly don't love yourself enough yet to do it for yourself, but do it for those who will be racked with anguish when they put you in the ground to soon.

Bronchitis to the point of being prescribed and inhaler along with my antibiotics.... gooogamooga.

Feeling so volatile today!!! Don't talk to me cause I might just bite your head off for no reason! or kick you in the shin just to see you cry, or whatev you get the point.... I think the deep root of it is I'm so flipping disgusted with myself that I feel a compulsion to take it out on everyone else.
My poor baby has heard his fair share of no, NO, NOOOOOOOOO this morning... time to take out the rubber gloves and take my aggression out on the bathroom. Scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub till your hands chap and bleed, that will give you something constructive to do. Heal your bloody hands. I can do that.
thanks for the vent. See you same time tomorrow? With the same never ending problem? Sheesh keyboard your such a wonderful therapist.

My adjective for the day: Svelte.

1. slender, especially gracefully slender in figure; lithe.

I will use this word to be positive about myself, it describes me.

But I often feel like this svelte person is zipped inside a fat suit and the zipper is stuck....

TWO WORDS... SWISS CHOCOLATE. I have seriously eaten 5 pieces while I have been at work today. Work is always a toughy because I seldom pack food with me and get so faintinly hungry that I end up eating what ever is on the break table... Yeah that nasty cake that has been sitting there for over 2 weeks. When you are desperate, ughhhh I make myself sick.

Thanksgiving you have come and gone and I feel I didn't get too glutenous. The weather has been awesome and I should go for a jog... make the voices that say " clean your house, plan dinner, catch up on work" etc shut up for 30min and just do it. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. You know vigorously raking the leaves isn't enough for your body. Your body likes to burn, like fires of Hell burn to shed its protective fat layer..... ok, ok, ok.... Let me get that last load of laundry in and then I'll hit the leafy trails.

@#$* wagon why can you just hold still so I can get on and stay on. Why are you always pushing the weak and chubby off the back?
SO ... you know its bad when you have to shift your stomach fat to get a good back stretch in. Or you have to powder under your fat skirt so you won't sweat under there all day.... ugh super nasty.
And the sick this is I know I can change this. I have done it before and know I can do it again. But my inner fatty is so comfortable doing everything else but taking care of herself.
I'm freaking out about the holidays being here. If I got this fat during the normal parts of the year what are all of the rich decadent desserts going to do to my 237 lb body. (ps lost 8lbs, but if you know a true Clark you know that is the average turd log)
GET YOURSELF TOGETHER WOMAN....time to bust out the tapes? again.

Getting back on the wagon included. Participating in the wood cutting extravaganza yesterday. Basically we get a ton of people in the ward and family to come over cut down trees haul logs and split them. We have like 5cords collected from yesterday. I manned the log splitting machine while Natey-pie napped.
How is this exercise you ask? .... have you ever actually done it yourself? log lifting is tough, continuous running wagons full of split logs tireing, at the end of they day all you want to do is hit the sack and sleep... Pics later

Fell off the wagon...The decline started with my procedure, then "taking time to recoup" meant giving myself the ok to loaf around. I felt better started exercising again, then I caught the first cold of the season. Feeling crappy isn't a huge motivator, but manageable, then it snowed before Halloween. Trudging through the snow with a cold doesn't = fun......

I could keep listing all of the excuses I make myself feel better with all day long, but the truth underneath is that this battle is hard to fight on your own. Ipod only provides so much companionship...an exercise buddy would be so much more fun. Maybe I'll get a dog.

Bob Harper suggested starting this life transformation with walking everyday for 4 weeks. Its free, warms up your muscles, and clears you mind. I made it a week, time to try again.

So I healed up from the procedure, and was watching The Biggest Loser, and was all inspired by Bob Harper and thought "man if he were my trainer I could do this in a snap". So I went to the library and got his motivational CD / inner compass program, and his beginners workout DVD. The next day, I take invigorating hike to warm up the muscles, then I pop in the DVD thinking "yeah, this will be great to start with a beginners workout". IT WAS PURE INSANITY. I was soaked with sweat and for 3 day afterward felt like I was 85 and has sprained hamstrings, and that's after doing everything right. Stretching, staying within my range of motion, and cooling down, etc.... it kinda discouraged me, and truth, I haven't worked out since. Of course in my justifications I say " oh its ok you need time to recuperate after that crazy workout" but what I really need is to get off my butt and get moving again.......This journey is such an emoitonal roller coaser and often I find the ride is giving me whiplash.

Figured some stuff out... haven't exercised for over a week now because of medical issues, and on thursday I had my uterus roto-rootered to remove some endometrial polyps. Apparently they are a pretty common occurance, but they were causing some really heavy bleeding. Having the procedue wasn't as bad as my imagination was making it seem. All in all, feeling pretty well but the doc said to take it easy for a few days. My version of easy was making a full size spiders web out of yarn for Halloween. Raking the grandparents portch off for them, and making a milk jug skeleton. My version of taking it easy meant getting crafty and forgetting all the stress inducing housework... However I think all that energy was because of the drugs. I woke up last night with some serious crampage and backache...guess I will really have to take it easy and do as the doc says.

Sometimes you just need to let out an angry guttural scream! The kind that rocks your soul and makes you feel like doing something stupid, like punch a tree.

Leach out this poison of self hatred
Help me to not want to make them suffer like I am
How can something so insignificant grate me so deep
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRGHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRG
AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and then the guilt and self-loathing cycle starts again.

Lift your head up girl, get on your knees, start again, stretch your limits a little farther.

UGhhhh the drastic change in temperature has given me a cold or brought on some heinous allergies, they pretty much feel the same so who knows. Needless to say finding the drive to get up and exercise all congested like I am, was not easy; But I did it.
I find when I'm having those days going in to mindless drone mode helps to get the job done. Flop out of bed, put on exercise clothes, stop thinking of all the reason why not, open the door, and just walk. Randomly just walk with no direction. Eventually the heart rate will come up your mind will clear and you will realise how good it feels to just be moving. The aches and pains of sleep will start to melt and you will be ready for the day.
I took an uphill walk, totally panting from the speed-walking up the hill. At the top some deer spotted me and went bounding through the woods. I love all the critters I get to see everyday. I found my favorite stump at the top of the hill and used it as a stretching aid. Once I completed this little warm up I jogged back down and popped in a tape. (I wasn't sure when baby was going to wake up and didn't want to be too far away when he did. He ended up pulling one of his hit and miss sleep in till 11am days so I got a pretty good workout in.)

just remembered my experience this afternoon...today I exercised with a tank top on for the first time in years, like 5 or more years. Usually I don the typical huge cotton tee and old cut off sweats and trudge through the workout and end up feeling as huge and wet as that cruddy t shirt. Today though, I freed myself. I put on some tight neoprene shorts and a tank and reconnected with my body. It sounds totally ridiculous but it was so liberating. I felt so aware of myself and powerful. It was invigorating feeling the breeze on my skin and seeing my barely there muscles working. The body truly is an amazing machine...perhaps there will be more spandex and workout gear in my future.

Doing much better! I was able to get a short jog and a tape in so far today. In addition to cleaning part of the house, feeding son and I, and playing in the dirt with baby... I'm feeling productive today.
This morning I had the today show on for a split second and there was an interview with Roger Ebert. He said something to the effect that " it does no good feeling bad for yourself. Feeling bad for yourself doesn't get anything accomplished". That really struck home. We have all heard the adage misery loves company, and that is exactly what feeling bad for yourself does. It makes you see everything in a negative light and want to pull everyone down with you. Feeling sorry for yourself is whats keeping you on that couch instead of up an moving, but you only have yourself to blame for getting in this fat mess in the first place..... GET UP AND MAKE A CHANGE. Every day is the perfect day to start, or start over.

Ughhhhh.... hit a wall and didn't do a thing except eat some almond butter chocolate chunk cookies and feel guilty for three days. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? I think a lot of it stems from not feeling in balance yet. I struggle with finding time to keep my house in order and take care of my son, find time to exercise, and make time to study the scriptures too. When I get two of the three done I always feel guilt for not accomplishing the third. Thats what happened..... that is what threw me off for three days. Last night I had a major ugly cry feast with my husband and we made goals to try and help get in better balance. It was too much, feeling like I was holding the weight of the world. I had to ask for help which, if you know me, is asking a lot.

I found some inspiration to get it back together. In the august 2011 Ensign. The Article is called The Traditions of a Balanced, Righteous Life. by Elder L. Tom Perry. The section that gave my my light bulb of inspiration was called Our body is a Temple. "Good physical and spiritual health can help us to stay on the straight and narrow way...we need to nourish ourselves spiritually, even more than physically." Now don't take this wrong, this is not suggesting that scripture study should replace physical exercise. This quote answered my guilt issues with my balancing act. I need to put my scripture study first, then exercise, then worry about everything else. If I put the Lord first I know hat everything else will fall into place.

This Epic Battle isn't easy and is going to require a lot of diligence, but I'm getting back up, dusting myself off, and starting again, and, again, and again, and again... you get the point. Don't give up and stop, just keep moving forward.

A lot of what I have been reading says that it takes at least 3weeks to form a new habit. So that means I have to grit my teeth and just do it. It has been pouring 60 degree rain for three days now. Like serious seattle washington stuff. It's dismal, but if I don't get out there and do it I know it will be all to easy to get lazy again. So I did it! I went out and jogged through the rain in the woods. It was sort of exhilarating. I sort of fantasized I was a twilight vampire with super human speed and grace. Hahha totally nerdy, but making little games like that makes the workout more fun for me. Sheesh I really need more grown up/ human contact. The isolation is making me so crazy that I am fantasizing I'm a tween romance vampire.... shhh don't tell anyone.

It would have been so easy to not get in my jog this morning. I woke up feeling like a lead weight. Legs heavy, muscles aching, and zer0 motivation. But somehow I scraped myself out of bed put on those exercise clothes and did it. Granted, it wasn't at long as I should have but I still got a good sweat on. So good for me.
I started my pregnancy last year at 230lbs; my high school weight that I swore to myself that I would never reach again. On the day that my son was born I hit an ridiculous 270lbs. After birth, 30lbs melted off within a few months. But now I have this lingering 10-15 lbs that I can't seem to rid myself of. Its time to get real with some numbers, yes the dreaded scale. I weighed myself:
5'11"
245lbs
BMI 34.2
uhhh... what do you even say after that. I weigh as much or more than contestants on the biggest loser! I am obese.

Sheesh, the last post was in January. That just shows how much I have been letting too much of my life slip through my fingers. I'm 26 for crying out loud! In the prime of my life, and I need to get it together. I have finally started to care enough about myself to make some time for me. It was hard for me to stop feeling guilty about not taking care of everything else. I started by seeing my doctor to make sure I was "running" right. I had been experiencing a lot of hair loss and was nervous that it could be linked to family history of thyroid problems. Results came back good.
Glucose 90
Cholesterol 167
Triglycerides 80
HGL 51
LDL 100
I guess these number are good for a normal person,but given my family history, of all things bad dealing with heart and cholesterol they are border line. Going to the doctor took a little bit of the fear away. Its silly really, why should I be afraid of living the best life I can. Why should I think that my heart will explode if I go for a little jog, or fear my arteries couldn't with stand the strain. I am perfectly healthy, but even still the tough crosses my mind when I exercise sometimes. But I have learned that the body is incredibly resilient and really good at healing itself. I can do this!

Its only been two weeks that I have started exercising regularly. Its kicking my trash, but at the same time it has been invigorating. I can't jog very far, less than a mile, but it is a start. At first the jogging left me with a headache for the rest of the day even with adequate water consumption and eating regularly. I sucked it up and took some meds to dull the pain and exercised the next day. That's the critical part, just doing it. Not listening to the justifications or giving sway to the laziness. I have been making due with what I got. Meaning, I stopped telling myself that I would get in shape if I just had a treadmill or a weight bench. I started using that old dusty "infomercial" exercise equipment I've been hanging on to. Equipt with VHS workouts. (Thank heaven my husband is addicted to his tech devices old and new.) I have also been cross country hiking through our hill laden 14 acre woods often with my 22lb 1 year old strapped into his backpack. That is an excellent cardio and strength training exercise. I have been getting up a little earlier to pop in a tape or go jogging. I have been getting to know a lot of the back country roads near our home. I just hope there are no rapists or serial killer neighbors that I don't know about because I always go alone while baby is still sleeping.- With my phone strapped on in case of emergency. At first it was grueling and I felt like I had lead weights strapped to my feet. Now I can feel a little more energy, and I am sleeping better at night. Sure, I'm still kicking around a disgusting fat skirt, but I am trying and with time that will fade.

This journey isnt just about physically getting healthier. Its about learning to love myself. Making time to study my scripture so that my spirit is strengthened, making time to exercise to strengthen my body, and meditating through the process to find peace to my self torment. Its time to get everything back in balance. I am going to make a better effort to post more regularly to keep track of my motivators, workouts that work for me, and in general log my journey better.

You caught me on a bad day. I have eaten two cupcakes before 11am today. So, you get the blunt truth, mixed with a little self loathing. I am overweight. No, lets be honest, I have an eating problem. I am fat, ashamed, scared, and tired among a list of a thousand other things I could say because of this obsession. I am the type that will eat that damn cupcake and hide the wrapper at the bottom of the trash can so no one will find out. I can blame it on being taught horrible eating habits, or seeing my mother use food as a pacifier for her struggles, or I like the social atmosphere that food creates etc. The truth of the matter is that I can control it, but I choose not to. When I eat the bad stuff I tell myself "why are you putting that poison in your mouth" and eat it anyways. Or I'll envision the creamy stuff as arterial plaque and with each bite a little more blocks my carotid passages. I got a box of chocolates for my birthday. I took a bite out of each one making myself sick. That was only the first layer, with the second I threw the box away . My way of telling the chocolate that I have power over it. I often take a bit of the bad stuff just to spit it out and throw it away . Its a sick game I play... this can't be normal.
I am the heaviest that I have ever been. I did give birth to a little miracle five months ago and have some of that to lose, but I hate what I see in pictures. When I look in the mirror I don't see the fatty. I see me, and feel pretty, but the pictures give it away. You could say good for you for having confidence even when you are heavy, but not seeing the truth is dangerous. Its dangerous because you don't realize just how out of hand the problem has gotten.
Both of my parents are now incapacitated because f strokes. My father was the first, just a few months after I got married in 2008. He too had struggled with his weight for a long time. He has had a heart attack, has an enlarged heart because of the extra strain, high blood pressure, diabetes, on too many medications, and he is only in his 60's. Too young for such a devastation to happen. My father is still alive, but there are times that I mourn the loss of him. You see, he is sort of trapped within himself. He can't do everything that he use to. He needs help with hygienic matters, medications, dressing, and he can't speak very well and the effort frustrates him. I should be happy that he is still here, but every time I talk to him or see him my heart breaks. My father and I were close and I miss who he use to be.
Then, the day after I brought my little son home, in mid 2010, I got a call that my little sister found my mother face down in the gravel in their front yard and that the doctors were running tests to see what the matter was. They found she suffered a stroke as well, but there was signs of previous mini strokes that had caused some damage. They found she had an enlarged heart, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. She had also been neglecting the care of herself and my dad for well over a year. Meaning, she stopped buying the medications he needed to stay alive, and quite taking hers. Everyone blamed it on the previous strokes she had, that they somehow damaged her judgment, I'd like to believe that, but I also heard her sob when my Dad had his stroke not because her husband was sick but because she wished it was her and that she wished she could die.She told me that herself... My Mom has been trying to kill herself with food for a long time. All of the problems that have happened to my parents should scare me straight, should make me never touch the bad stuff ever again, run, lift weights, and get in shape, but finding the motivation is hard. I feel very isolated here. Especially during the winter when it is to cold to go outside. I don't really have any friends that I can call and exercise with. There is much more to this sick tale, but I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm expressing myself, getting it out there so that I can make a change.
I'm going to do it! For my little son so that I can be there through out his life, and teach him healthy habits. For my husband, so I can love him and quit taking my self frustrations out on him. But most of all for myself so that I can feel at peace, put away the obsessive behaviors, and have a healthy relationship with food, family, and my body. This little blog will be my weight loss partner if you will. My place of accountability. You can follow my epic battle if you so wish, but its not going to be pretty and hopefully it will end in a triumph. Don't worry its not all going to be doom and gloom like today's post. You just caught me on a bad, snowy day.